Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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