imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
