I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
