I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Welp...herpes.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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