so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
