i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
