Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize