Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
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Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
why is half of my head shaved?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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