How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
