We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
