I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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