look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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