you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
