You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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