I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
