new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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