My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
