You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
