He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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