My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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