Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think your dad took our porno
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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