yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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