I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
