i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
