Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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