believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
