I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
