But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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