Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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