OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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