You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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