Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
