Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
