I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
