Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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