i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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