i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
