if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
