I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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