shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
