i think i have two assholes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
