i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
