i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
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conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
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I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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