Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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