I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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