I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
