dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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