My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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