Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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