if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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