I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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