oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
