You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
