yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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